There's been a halt to the writing here, and not for lack of wanting to. Not for lack of material. Not for any reason that I could have foreseen.
Simply put there has been a tragedy in my family: On Dec 9th, 2011 my 34 year old brother suddenly, very unexpectedly died.
My brother died.
Those words don't seem real, even though I have said them many times over the last month. Well, that isn't entirely true. Sometimes they seem real and heavy and overwhelming. And sometimes they feel like I am saying them about someone else's life.
It's only been a month and trying to sort out all of those feelings is still impossible.
My brother was born when I was 4 years old. He was my first friend and I was his. He was a person with whom I shared a history that no one else will ever understand. We were so different in so many, many ways and oddly similar in others.
(One year while we were living at opposite ends of the state, we both bought our mom a Mother's Day card with the same joke, different cartoon...but the same punch line.)
I could write so much more. I am trying to find that line, where I have the right reaction. Did you ever feel that way? That endless loop of "Am I sad enough?", "Am I too sad?", "Am I just feeling sorry for myself" , "Should I be able to just get over this?", and "what the hell does this mean for the rest of my whole, entire life?"
Thing is...there is no right reaction. There is no right way to act or think. I am finally getting that through my head. You know, after I did all the things I needed to do. I did all the tasks on the list that needed to be done in the time between hearing my mom's voice telling my brother was dead and then all those sad, exhausting days following. And then the holidays ran up over me and now I finally have a few of those quiet days where I can begin to grieve and figure out how I am going to move through the days with this feeling of sadness. Funny how sometimes it is the furthest thing from my mind and then there are moments when I think I will never be able to shake off the crushing hurt.
Anyway, this isn't going to be become some blog where I write endless sad posts. Just sometimes. :-)
I will be back on the normal writing soon enough. I will be faking it until I can make it.
Just may take me some time. I am sure you understand.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Blog Challenge: Day 3
I decided to go with two lists for blog this bog challenge, because some of the topics bored me or were just not really the type of thing I would write about to the general public. My choices for today were:
A.What kind of person attracts you
or
B. Write about your first love.
Well...I am going to take the MUCH safer road of topic A! It lends itself to far less embarrassment. Someday, kind readers, perhaps you will know all my deep, dark secrets. Today is NOT that day.
Let's see. I am a nurse. As a general population we are freaky people who are attracted to and attached to broken people. Listen, I know several of my friends will be offended by that term but they need to get over it. Partly it's my fault as well. I always want to 'fix' people and so I think in someway I draw them out. It's probably a pheromone signature in my DNA. A gift from genetics, yet again. (I said that with a really big eye roll..lest you think I was serious.)
Anyway, in terms of men I think I only need two things...intelligence and the ability to make me laugh. That sounds like some crappy dating website answer, but for me it's true enough. I like a challenge. I want to have crazy conversations about current events. I want to fight about Jeopardy answers. It keeps me from being bored. I didn't marry the class valedictorian for nothing, people.
Good lord, so much easier than 'my first love'.
whew.
A.What kind of person attracts you
or
B. Write about your first love.
Well...I am going to take the MUCH safer road of topic A! It lends itself to far less embarrassment. Someday, kind readers, perhaps you will know all my deep, dark secrets. Today is NOT that day.
Let's see. I am a nurse. As a general population we are freaky people who are attracted to and attached to broken people. Listen, I know several of my friends will be offended by that term but they need to get over it. Partly it's my fault as well. I always want to 'fix' people and so I think in someway I draw them out. It's probably a pheromone signature in my DNA. A gift from genetics, yet again. (I said that with a really big eye roll..lest you think I was serious.)
Anyway, in terms of men I think I only need two things...intelligence and the ability to make me laugh. That sounds like some crappy dating website answer, but for me it's true enough. I like a challenge. I want to have crazy conversations about current events. I want to fight about Jeopardy answers. It keeps me from being bored. I didn't marry the class valedictorian for nothing, people.
Good lord, so much easier than 'my first love'.
whew.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Blog Challenge: Day 2
So getting to Day Two only took me 5 days. I told you I made no promises. I knew I would suck at the whole deadline thing.
Here we go:
How have you changed in the past 2 years?
You mean besides creeping closer to (BLECH) 40? Besides needing to have my hair dyed more frequently and making sure I rub Oil of Olay on my "trouble areas" every night?
eh. Wow, this one took me some time to really think through. Who really stops and looks back at themselves and does an evaluation? Ok, maybe some of you do. I am just not that kind of person. You are all better than me, I admit it. I am lucky that I know my work schedule from week to week and that I make it out of the house with semi-matching socks.
More and more over the last two years I have become a 'big picture' person. Certain stressing events have happened over the last two or so years which have changed my view...or made it widen, at the least.
Without going into ridiculous detail, I realize that things happen beyond our control and all we can do is let it roll along, fall off the table and gather up the pieces and try to glue them back together into a decent looking vase...errr...life.
That isn't to say that I don't freak out over little things, cry in the shower every now and again and pout when I can't have what I want when I want it because I am such a totally balanced person, who believes it all works out in the end. Frick, no. However, when the day (or crisis) is done I can see the whole thing settling out and I can find away to take those hideous, jagged pieces I am given...and make them fit. Hell, I jam them into place when I need to. I am small, but scrappy. I learned I am resilient and a better problem solver than I gave myself credit for in the past. And I actually learned that I trust myself as a parent and even as a nurse more then I had ever before.
Sounds easy, but I wasn't always so philosophical. Some days I am STILL not. But in general, I am more grounded, more secure in my own ability to handle crisis and much more empathetic to my fellow man after living through my own. You know everyone has their own piles of crap that they shovel, step around and clean up all the time.
God, I hope the Day Three doesn't take me as long to write and I hope it is a buttload easier!
Here we go:
How have you changed in the past 2 years?
You mean besides creeping closer to (BLECH) 40? Besides needing to have my hair dyed more frequently and making sure I rub Oil of Olay on my "trouble areas" every night?
eh. Wow, this one took me some time to really think through. Who really stops and looks back at themselves and does an evaluation? Ok, maybe some of you do. I am just not that kind of person. You are all better than me, I admit it. I am lucky that I know my work schedule from week to week and that I make it out of the house with semi-matching socks.
More and more over the last two years I have become a 'big picture' person. Certain stressing events have happened over the last two or so years which have changed my view...or made it widen, at the least.
Without going into ridiculous detail, I realize that things happen beyond our control and all we can do is let it roll along, fall off the table and gather up the pieces and try to glue them back together into a decent looking vase...errr...life.
That isn't to say that I don't freak out over little things, cry in the shower every now and again and pout when I can't have what I want when I want it because I am such a totally balanced person, who believes it all works out in the end. Frick, no. However, when the day (or crisis) is done I can see the whole thing settling out and I can find away to take those hideous, jagged pieces I am given...and make them fit. Hell, I jam them into place when I need to. I am small, but scrappy. I learned I am resilient and a better problem solver than I gave myself credit for in the past. And I actually learned that I trust myself as a parent and even as a nurse more then I had ever before.
Sounds easy, but I wasn't always so philosophical. Some days I am STILL not. But in general, I am more grounded, more secure in my own ability to handle crisis and much more empathetic to my fellow man after living through my own. You know everyone has their own piles of crap that they shovel, step around and clean up all the time.
God, I hope the Day Three doesn't take me as long to write and I hope it is a buttload easier!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Blog Challenge: Day 1
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts.
I suppose I have to start somewhere. Even if it sounds lame.
Hi, my name is Heidi. I am a blogger. Sort of. Not really. Only a little.
I am:
A mom of three boys (19, 15, 9)
an ICU nurse.
wife.
car dancer.
Photoshop user.
stubborn.
closet romantic.
closet poet.
smartphone obsessed.
insomniac.
fairly ridiculous.
Facts about myself?
1. Good God, I hate olives. Like really, really hate. I can't even handle the smell. I keep trying them every few years to see if my tastes change...they NEVER do.
2. I really don't enjoy Winnie the Pooh. Those books were dreadfully boring. The Disney versions weren't that much better.
3. The 'whites' of my eyes are blue due to a genetic bone disease I have called Osteogenesis imperfecta. Makes my bones more breakable than 'normal' people. Who really wants to be normal anyway? I break bones. I heal. I live.
4. I try to hide it, but I am a pretty much a book nerd. I read more than almost anyone I know. I converted to the Kindle recently. That only made it worse.
5. My family nickname is Ida. My great grandma couldn't say 'Heidi' and every time she tried, it came out sounding like 'Ida'. It's my mom's favorite way to get my attention...'IDA'!!
6. The only time I ever got into a car accident ( well, I backed into a parked car) the guy sent ME flowers. For being so honest and probably because when I found him to tell him, I was sobbing. He felt bad for me.
7. I hate whistling. It makes me sick to my stomach. BLECH.
8. I am addicted to Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry.
9. I take a photo...of something...anything...just about every single day. If I could be anything at all, it would be a photographer.
10. I have a weakness for violins in rock songs. That song could SUCK...throw in a violin and I am sold. I think it all goes back to my love of Buddy Holly. He was the innovator of orchestra music mixed with a little rock-n-roll.
11. Several of my best friends are ones I have known since kindergarten or thereabouts. I went to a really small Catholic school and graduated 8th grade with 21 in my class. Those people mean the world to me.
12. I have been in 38 of the 50 states. I LOVE New Mexico and Utah the most of the ones I have seen.
13. I remember almost ALL of the dialog I hear in movies and TV shows. It's freaky and I am sure if you are around me...it can be annoying. I try to reign it in.
14. I have a TERRIBLE potty mouth. The more I try to get a handle on it, it more I swear. It's a sickness.
15. I have worn hearing aids for almost 5 years now. My stupid bone disease ( see above) has effected the bones in my ears and made me lose a great deal of my hearing at a 'young' age. I am annoyed that I have to wear them but then also happy that there is something available to help me out and that I don't have a worse ailment. It rarely effects my day to day life. And when I do sleep...no noise wakes me up. You win some. You lose some.
Ok. Day one...done. Let's see how badly I mess this up and how many days I skip. Hey, maybe I will surprise myself! HA!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Back to the blog!
It's not like I haven't been thinking about writing. I have. And I just need to get back to doing it. I know that usually I am the one who put the PRO in procrastination, but I am hoping to change all of that...soon.
I am taking on a "blog challenge" of sorts. I have two lists of topics and I will *try* to write on one every single day, which with my work schedule is HILARIOUS! On those work days when I am up at 5am, out the door by 6am and come home, starving and wrung out like a used washcloth, the last thing I am ever going to want to do is to write. One those days I will give myself a break. Don't judge me!
I know that I have all of about 4 readers on this blog( I think it is less but I don't want to sound overly pathetic just yet) and it will be such a miracle that I wrote ANYTHING that I am sure a day of two "off" won't phase a soul.
sigh.
Back to writing!
I am taking on a "blog challenge" of sorts. I have two lists of topics and I will *try* to write on one every single day, which with my work schedule is HILARIOUS! On those work days when I am up at 5am, out the door by 6am and come home, starving and wrung out like a used washcloth, the last thing I am ever going to want to do is to write. One those days I will give myself a break. Don't judge me!
I know that I have all of about 4 readers on this blog( I think it is less but I don't want to sound overly pathetic just yet) and it will be such a miracle that I wrote ANYTHING that I am sure a day of two "off" won't phase a soul.
sigh.
Back to writing!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
That "little" break
Damn. Who even knew I had a blog still?
I guess I have to try to force myself to write something other than a kid's note for school or a Facebook update or 140 character Twitter update. I even suck at Twitter for the most part. I am going to blame it on my adult onset ADD again.
Believe me, is not like I don't have a plethora of topics to write about...I do, I just have to find more than 20 mins to string together to make some sense of a jumble of sentences I have on notepad.
Well, since I wrote last...I broke my wrist pretty badly ( GREAT excuse..no?) I have been to Europe, my youngest broke his arm quite horribly and about 1,000 other every day life events have kicked my ass up and down the street.
I have to sift through my "drafts" folder, which is a mess of half written ideas and nonsense.
For my 3 or 4 readers..I am here! I swear!
I will not promise posts...but my intentions are so good!
And maybe I will feel inspired. you never know!
I guess I have to try to force myself to write something other than a kid's note for school or a Facebook update or 140 character Twitter update. I even suck at Twitter for the most part. I am going to blame it on my adult onset ADD again.
Believe me, is not like I don't have a plethora of topics to write about...I do, I just have to find more than 20 mins to string together to make some sense of a jumble of sentences I have on notepad.
Well, since I wrote last...I broke my wrist pretty badly ( GREAT excuse..no?) I have been to Europe, my youngest broke his arm quite horribly and about 1,000 other every day life events have kicked my ass up and down the street.
I have to sift through my "drafts" folder, which is a mess of half written ideas and nonsense.
For my 3 or 4 readers..I am here! I swear!
I will not promise posts...but my intentions are so good!
And maybe I will feel inspired. you never know!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Before the "joy" of the season
So, I figured before the joys of the holiday season pick me up and throttle me to within an inch of my life, I should write something here. I know that most of my occasion blog readers think I have abandoned this project altogether...but Au contraire, mon frère! I am here, just having a difficult time sitting still long enough to write, or let my adult onset ADD subside long enough to make a single, continuous thought possible. And I know that when I actually get myself into "holiday hustling" this will be impossible. I have already stopped and started writing this 3 times already...in about 15 mins . Oye! My world for a ritalin!
Sam and school...please allow room for an edit after parent-teacher conference tonight. School seems to really going well this year. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, I could not endure another year like last year. I don't think he could either. Writing is still an issue with him, but the mix of maturity and more attention in the classroom everything else seems to be going well. We still have to work on his "internal edit button", when he calls his substitute teacher incompetent and such, but we are getting there. :)
Adam and I have traveled to Colorado for my cousin's beautiful wedding in September. I will attempt to post some pictures soon. I had an epic computer crash last month and although I don't think I lost much in terms of data, it has been a long and slow process to get my machine and my pictures in order. Back up your photos and documents, people! PLEASE! I had just moved several things to an external hard drive, only days before. I actually am such a freak that I back things up TWICE and store the other hard drive to keep it from harm. And I have a firebox for it. Freak...yes. Lost pictures and Photoshop goodies...no!
Work has been a joy. Oh yes. Precautions for H1N1 patients ( we have had several) are a pain in my ass. I am on the verge of constant face break-out from wearing a mask every day I work. That is not to mention all the call-ins from co-workers who are sick or have loved ones that are sick, leaving us short staffed most days. This is just a horrible season for illness. The thought of those long 13hr days is just not so much appealing anymore. ( ok, it never was appealing, but still, now less so)
So I am pushing through the season, because it is what I do. I have not found my writing mojo yet. Still looking for it under my comfy sheets of my bed. Maybe I need a vacation? Like a REAL one. Alone.
Dream on, Heidi!!
Sam and school...please allow room for an edit after parent-teacher conference tonight. School seems to really going well this year. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, I could not endure another year like last year. I don't think he could either. Writing is still an issue with him, but the mix of maturity and more attention in the classroom everything else seems to be going well. We still have to work on his "internal edit button", when he calls his substitute teacher incompetent and such, but we are getting there. :)
Adam and I have traveled to Colorado for my cousin's beautiful wedding in September. I will attempt to post some pictures soon. I had an epic computer crash last month and although I don't think I lost much in terms of data, it has been a long and slow process to get my machine and my pictures in order. Back up your photos and documents, people! PLEASE! I had just moved several things to an external hard drive, only days before. I actually am such a freak that I back things up TWICE and store the other hard drive to keep it from harm. And I have a firebox for it. Freak...yes. Lost pictures and Photoshop goodies...no!
Work has been a joy. Oh yes. Precautions for H1N1 patients ( we have had several) are a pain in my ass. I am on the verge of constant face break-out from wearing a mask every day I work. That is not to mention all the call-ins from co-workers who are sick or have loved ones that are sick, leaving us short staffed most days. This is just a horrible season for illness. The thought of those long 13hr days is just not so much appealing anymore. ( ok, it never was appealing, but still, now less so)
So I am pushing through the season, because it is what I do. I have not found my writing mojo yet. Still looking for it under my comfy sheets of my bed. Maybe I need a vacation? Like a REAL one. Alone.
Dream on, Heidi!!
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