Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Reveal

Since I have myself chained to my computer to finish my Christmas projects, except when I have to go to work, I have gotten quite a few things done. I make myself insane every year with personalized gifts and carefully selected presents. Someday I just want to be okay with buying gift cards for people and get over my need to "wow" people with something special. Maybe in my next life.

One thing I got done was our Christmas card. Though it is not exactly what I wanted, it came out pretty acceptable. They are off for printing and should be here for me to address next Monday. Oh, the joys never end!

Without further ado, the card:

Not too shabby, huh?

Hope you like it! Merry Christmas!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Get my kid away from AIM!!!

So I am in Wegmans grocery store with Sammy yesterday and we hit the deli counter.

Sam asks me "Mom, why is the cheese laughing out loud?"

Now, my kid asks me crazy shit all the time or bursts out with crazy non-sequiturs so I really don't make anything of it.

"Sammy, what the heck are you talking about?!?!" is a frequent reply around here.

He is adamant and kinda getting pissed at me and asks again and is now pointing at the deli scale.

and I begin to laugh. It was Land of Lakes cheese.
Abbreviated LOL cheddar cheese.

I can only imagine that he has seen me chat on AIM with my friend Jen in Knoxville and has read her frequent "lol" messages to me.

My 6-year-old knows internet lingo. Holy Balls.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Needs Improvement
Damn, my handwriting SUCKS lately. I had to write a note to Sam's teacher this morning and it was all I could do to get through the 3 sentences. I am sure it is the fault of the computer, but I do write at work frequently. However, lately I have had new nurse orients that do all the charting and such. I am out of practice. I am pissed because I used to like my handwriting and I am being a lazy slob and letting it go down hill. I swear, when I was writing that my hand turned into a claw. I need to work on that soon. Put my hand on writing physical therapy. However it has not progressed to the point that some of my co-irkers writing has. I swear that one of the nurse practitioners as the handwriting of a would-be serial killer.

Sammy stuff:

Sammy is in half day kindergarten and let me tell you, that is getting old really quickly for me and Adam. Plus, I think on some level he is manipulating us with even worse behavior in school. I think me might think that if he is bad enough, I will take him back out of school. He is certainly smart enough to reason that out, unfortunately. He had his first appointment with the physiologist on Thursday. He walked into the waiting area and starting talking to a young woman waiting there for a friend. He proudly announced: " Hi! My name is Sammy and I am VERY nervous in school and they are going to help me here"

Nothing like just getting right to it, huh? His session with the therapist went well. We both liked her and what a weight off my shoulders to have someone tell me they know were we should head and that she is going to make this better for Sam..or at least try. I walked out of there feeling so much better. Plus, she thought although Sam has many "eccentricities, he is really very charming" An excellent way to put it.

Christmas Projects:
I am deep into my Christmas insanity already. Projects fill my brain and my computer desktop. I actually feel pretty on top of my chaos this year, but it is early. I am sure I will be in full anxiety mood soon enough. My calendars are taking shape. My mom and aunt expect one every year and I am not one to disappoint. I am thinking and re-thinking my Christmas card. Which sucks. You make a few cool cards and then you feel the need to top yourself every year. Impossible, if you ask me. Stupid to feel stressed over a stupid thing like that...but I do. Trying to find my design idea for the year. Here are two of the past creations and you can see how my style changed a bit. Who know what this year will bring.
Christmas 2006 ( note that the cards from 2004 and 2005 are on the wall, framed)Graphics by the amazing Mo Jackson.

2007 Version with some graphic goodies from Mo Jackson as well.

I started off with an idea from last year, with all of us as ornaments and that was just so scary I can't begin to describe it. Maybe for a Halloween card. Doesn't help when I have heard about 10 times so far, "I can't wait to see your card this year. I wait for it every year" Flattering, true. Pressure, a little.

So top all my Photoshop projects with button trees I need to make and cookies I need to plan and my list of gifts to buy..quite the potential for me to freak out. But I am not yet. I am keeping it together for now.

So I am off to create some art, or what I do that passes as art really. So many things to write about really, but my mind is in too many places to pull it together for now. Soon. No promises, but soon.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Why I am a mess today

Well, one of the reasons. It is my parents fault. Isn't everything? It is a wonder I have not been on Oprah, crying about how I was the oldest and obviously the "test child" for their other children or as they insist on calling brothers.

Because it is Halloween I want to share the crazy story of me and a haunted house. I was about 3 years old. I have a very clear memory of this day for reasons that will become VERY obvious to you in a moment. I know I must have been 3 because my brother Roger was not born at this point. Anyway, every year the March of Dimes out together a fabulous and incredibly scary haunted house to make money for the charity. My parents thought that taking a 3 year old to a haunted house seemed like a good idea, so off we went. What the hell did I know? I

Now, that would have been bad enough. My 16 yr old worked at a haunted house this season and would frequently tell me how these parents would bring in terrified children and force them through the rooms, almost taking delight in the child's horrified clinging and screams. In the words of Zachary "that is fucked up, dude" But, that is not where my parents went wrong with me...OH NO.

So we arrive at the haunted house and as you can imagine the parking lot is packed. The setting was an old, unoccupied mansion. Screams, groans and growls are piped out of the windows. Rattling of chains and creaking doors surrounded those who dared walk up to the front of the house. The crowded parking lot was a field next to this old house. My mother gets me out of the car and says to me "you stand right here, Heidi while your dad and I park the car"



Yes. My mother got me out of the warm, safe car and made me stand in front of the haunted house ALONE. Let's not leave my father out of the blame. Did he say "umm, Fran, you are INSANE. Not only is out child 3 and could be kidnapped in 15 seconds and will end up on a milk carton BUT she will be scared SHITLESS!?"
No, he did not. They both thought it was a perfectly sound and prudent move to leave me there ALONE.

And let me say that throughout my childhood I had a recurrent feeling that when my parents left me somewhere, that I would never see them again. That did not help this situation in the slightest. In fact, maybe this is why I started to feel that way in the first place.

So, I am standing in front of the house. Terrified and I start to cry. And cry. And cry some more, so hard that I puke all over the front of my red plaid jacket. This incident was so traumatic that yes, I know what I was wearing at the time. After an eternity of waiting my parents saunter up to me and my mom is shocked at my pukeiness, cleans me up and hugs me and takes me THE. HELL. HOME. sigh.

A few years ago I bring up this incident up to my parents and my mother has the nerve to deny it happened. My father told her..yes, yes it happened and said to me "Heidi, I am not sure what the hell we were thinking" Clearly, not much about anything.

Thus began the trials of parenting on an unsuspecting, adorable little girl.

Perhaps I should have been more afraid of my dad's sideburns. OYE!

I can't MAKE this stuff up, if I tried

I swear, people are all insane. I never used to think so. Then I became a nurse. Still, then I didn't think everyone was insane. Then I became a nurse in the Intensive Care Unit. Now, I am empathetic. I am, trust me. Family members are under great stress there and it is for lack of a better word, intense. But really people can be totally off their nut sometimes.

We had a patient that we were going to "terminally wean", which means we withdraw the medications and ventilator that are sustaining life, knowing pretty much that this will end the person's life. Some people die every quickly, some it takes days or weeks. But the point of it is that the person is too far gone, too sick and the end is imminent and we are not going to prolong that pain anymore. Sadly, where I work, it happens pretty much several times a week.

So anyway, we withdraw the vent from this patient and the relative of the patient calls up to check his/her status. Note: she did not COME IN to see her family member, but called. When we told her that her family member was going to be moved to a non-acute bed due to wait for a Hospice placement, she got MAD. And asked us if we were sure we knew what we were doing there because we were suppose to "unplug" him and he was SUPPOSE TO DIE RIGHT AWAY.

Seriously? You are mad because he was still alive? wow. just wow. I didn't know what to say. I gave her the new floor phone number and the room number.

Totally staggering.

This week I also overheard a family member say to the patient "I can't believe how much better you are doing! Last week we were picking out your coffin"

If you can't think of anything to say..please say nothing. Or talk about the weather. Or, God forbid..the election. That usually gets the blood a-pumping!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What's been going on here

I am not sure even what I want to write here or even where to begin, but I know I want to write out my feelings and frustration somewhere. Here is as good a place as any, right?

So, as I have blogged here before Sammy is have a tough time adjusting to school. And that would be one of the biggest understatements of my life. Not only is he unhappy to go off each morning. but at school he almost becomes another child. Sure at home he is odd and says funny things. He is stubborn and loud, but NOTHING like the maniac he becomes at school. I know this first hand as I have been going to school to work in Sam's class twice a week for about 3 hours at a time. Sam's teacher and I have had many conversations in person and on the phone. I have talked to the school social worker on several occasions. And it comes down to none of us know what to do.

And let me just say that those hours in the classroom with Sam's class are some of the hardest and longest in my life. I need to step back and let his teacher handle Sam. I have to be the classroom helper, not his mommy. And if you ever tried to step away from the mother role for a little while when it involves your will know what I mean when I say it is torture.

His behaviors range from yelling out, to crumpling papers, refusing to do the work, throwing things, and escalating to the vigorous shaking of his clasped hands together as a nervous tick. He seems lost in the room. Unable to focus. He often wanders. He needs constant re-direction. When asked to do work or sit and calm down he wails to the teacher " what! You don't love me anymore!" And as his level of anxiety or exhaustion rises, he just shuts down. His teacher sees his breaking point and lets him sit and try to relax himself. Usually this makes not difference in my child. He doesn't have many coping skills for a 6 yr old, so freaking out and yelling are it. Not acceptable or desired, but he doesn't know what else to do.

And to make matters worse, he is not a kid that "has a price". My friend Sue and I talked about this the other day, because she too has a child that "has no price" She can take away anything and everything and unless she takes away love, food or sleep, he says "okay, fine. when will I be un-punished?" That is Sam. No matter what is offered or taken away, he feels how he feels and he is not changing his behavior for anyone.

And two weeks ago, it escalated. He absconded from the room. His teacher had to run to catch him. He told me he was heading for the bus door so he could get a ride home. In the battle of fight or flight, he chose flight. He just can't handle being there and just wants me to come get him. He is very unhappy there. I can see him filling with tension the entire time I am there and finally it brims over and he is done. He can't work. He cant follow directions. Just done.

And the really sad thing is that he knows he is not acting right. He knows that he is freaking out. Last week he had quite a bad day and once he got into the car with me after school he started to cry. I asked him what was wrong. He said " I guess I am not going to be October's Terrific Kid" And that broke my heart. And that was it. I called his pediatrician and made an appointment. We had tried to work it our with other methods and I didn't know what else to do.

And I am sure there is another component to all of this too. Sammy has some sensory issues as well. Noises, lights, temperature all bother him and make him more anxious. So I have been completing paperwork for the OT specialist to see him too.

After examining Sammy, talking to him, talking to me he felt Sam suffers from an anxiety disorder and advised me to home school him and take him to see a specialist. This might have something to do with Sammy telling the doctor "I am VERY nervous is in school and if I do not hold my Buffalo token...I go crazy!

That was just the beginning of my adventures. While I agree with the doctor in some respects, I am worried that taking him out of school all together might not be the way to go. Bringing him back into the setting after a time away might be harder. And it comes down to..I just don't know what to do. I come from a background of medicine. There are cause and effects. There is a recipe, if you will, for fixing things. And while that recipe can be tweaked to fit a certain person...for the most is the same recipe. I want a set of instructions. I want the code. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me exactly what to do.

And that is just not possible in this situation. This is ground I never walked before. This is something that needs watching and trial and error. This is the beginning of a VERY long road for us. I talked at length with Sam's teacher and she could not be more open and willing to help him if she was his own mother. She notices the same things about him that I do. She can sense his anxiety and frustration like I can. I can't say enough great and wonderful things about her. We all just want what is best for Sam. We want to work him through this and make him happy and confident. She told me she is not going anywhere and he is hers for the year. She wants to help me solve this puzzle which is Sam. I trust her. I look for her input just as she looks for mine. And my heart almost broke when she looked at me and said "if this takes all year we will get him through this."

ALL YEAR? I am exhausted and it has been about 6 weeks. And part of me was excited to have him home with me again and part of me wonders if that is what he needs. I go back and forth in my head trying to think it out. Wonder what I could have done differently. What I can do now to help him. What is the right amount to push him? Can I just keep him home forever? You know that part of me wants that so much. But I know I can't. I need to help him go out into the world, when all I want is to protect him from it. forever.

So as it stands, right now, until I get permission from my doctor, Sam is home. I am in a circle of unending phone calls with the school nurse, the principal, the teacher, the insurance company, his primary doctor, the clinic for treatment and the school social worker. His teacher and I are trying to find a schedule that works for him. Afternoons seem to be the hardest. He is spent by that point of the day. Perhaps a half day will work best. We are working through it together.

I am sure I will be writing more about this in the weeks and months to come. I need to write it out to keep it straight in my head. I feel so many things right now..but mostly stressed. Nah, that is not true. I can't really pick out one emotion from the cluster. I think at the end of this, I might be the one with an anxiety disorder.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Yes. I will beat her

My friend, Jen. She will feel the hurt. She "blog tagged" me again and that kinda person I am, I can't let it go. I have to do it. She knows this about me. She might not want me to come visit her is fall cuz I am gonna whip her ass before I hug her "hello"

So here is the things I gotta do. 7 Random fact about me. some weird, odd. Lots of things about me are odd. This should be no problem, right?

1. I have a sick obsession with Degrassi, a Canadian teen show about a middle/high school. I watched it when I was young and now I still follow it. Some of the cast that played the kids in school when I was growing up are now the teachers. Sick, I know. Zach and I watch it together. We talk about the character like they are real people. It drives Adam insane. Zach and I have an ongoing argument about Paige...whether she is really a bitch and if she uses the term "hon" too much.

2. I hate the sound of whistling. Can't stand it. Even before I wore hearing aids it made me totally crazy and now it is even worse. Sounds can make me sick to my stomach, even more so than sights and smells.

3. The "whites" of my eyes are actually blue. Really blue. I have a genetic disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta or "brittle bone" disease. I inherited it from my father. My bones break much more easily. My ligaments and tendons are for crap. Yes, I am a wreck. This lovely disease also lead to me having to wear hearing aids for the rest of my life. Good times! I did pass it on to Mr. Sam. I broke my first bone at 9 leg, learning to walk.

4. I ABHOR olives. So much I tell people I am allergic to them. I don't feel that way about many things...but they are the WORST. Licorice is right up there too. Those two smells/flavors make me wanna hurl.

5. I pretty much NEVER go barefoot. Not ever. Except maybe in the shower. Stupid Plantar fasciitis will flare up if I do. All that damn walking as a nurse.

6. I read the obituaries EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I know...morbid. But I usually know a patient or former patient several times a week.

7. I have an insane, almost Rainman memory for movie and tv dialog. This sad skill I have passed on to my eldest child. Often we will begin to quote the same movie, at the same time. Creepville.

So I am suppose to tag 7 people, but you know what? I don't know that many people that have a blog personally, I mean) So if you do it..Link me up.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Our Future Leader

I am behind. What else is new? I have not had the energy or time or whatever to sit down and blog about Sammy Satan's birthday. On one hand I feel like I practically write a whole blog about him alone. Crazy stories and things he says end up here more often than any of the other men in my life. But you know what, that kid is VERY unique and so damn funny. We all agree on this here at my house. Sometimes he just cracks us up or makes us think or often times scares us.

Yesterday he told me he is going to take over the world. I told him that he is 6 and not ready to handle the whole world just yet. He responded that he made a wish for another birthday, so he could be 7 and then rule the world. Can you argue with that logic?

So my brain has been clicking with what I really want to say about the little man, our future world leader. So much to say and none of it will really paint the picture of this beast. I have met many other kids in my life and none are like Sammy. Drives me crazy because he seems to never pay attention to me, but when pressed he can relay verbatim what you said to him. He makes me laugh. He warms my hearts with his love and constant kisses. He scares me with his teaching himself to read. I live to come home from work to be greeted with his usual "Mommmy! You're home! I was looking for you everywhere!"

And there was a long while when we thought we would never have Sammy. The years slipped by, we started weeding out our baby supplies. I had a few miscarriages. I was slowly giving up hope even though my heart told me that there was a baby for our family still to come. Then I will never forget, my sister-in-law was unexpectedly pregnant. She was originally not happy. I remember crying myself to sleep thinking how unfair the world was, I wanted to be pregnant and she was not thrilled. You know what? Sammy is exactly ONE week older than my nephew. Yup. So the name Samuel was perfect for him. It means "the one for whom I prayed"

And let me tell you the road to getting that tiny, little pink baby sucked. I was sick with all sorts of maladies..many of them stupid. We learned of my penicillin allergy at that time after a nasty reaction. I puked until I had bloodshot eyes. Isn't that that more adorable picture? I am sure my doctor was counting the days until I popped out that kid so we would be done with my weekly trips to his office.

And follow that with a birth that was pretty damn traumatic and I am only lucky mom to have that little maniac tell me I am the best "Earth mother an alien boy could ask for"

Quirky, stubborn, hilarious, affectionate, so freakin' weird and all mine.

Happy Birthday, my baby. I love you!

A sick Sammy only hours old.

Josh and his little clone, Sammy

Sammy and his cousin Dakota, is October birthday buddy.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Disturbing conversation of the day

Typically, we have several disturbing conversations in this house on a daily basis. They can range from random Sammy ramblings to a tangent on a tv commercial.

Today Zach has been home sick for the second day in a row. He has a fever, he has been taking up the whole couch and generally being grouchy. He asked me today if he could receive an "immune system transplant"

I told him no, however it was probably all my fault as I did not breast feed him and if I had he might be fine today.

Josh is giggling the whole time and I KNOW he has something to add.

"Mom, you should start now. Ya know...breast feeding him" ( with continued giggling )

*crickets chirping* ( oh, and Josh giggling)

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Happy Birthday Target....oh and my kid too.

So this weekend marks a very important date in my life. The opening of Target in the Western New York region. Few things have brought me more joy or cost me more money...except my children. And my middle son Josh was rude enough to be born on the Grand Opening weekend 12 years ago. Those kids are just so much about themselves.

Oh, I had been waiting for Target, let me tell you. I had shopped at Target on several occasions in the Southwest while on vacation and I was smitten. Before that we had our choice of Kmart or Wal-mart, both of which I despise. So, when it was announced that Target was coming to our area my heart beat a little faster and I smiled a little bigger.

But, of course, I was over due with Joshua on the Grand Opening weekend. His little 5lb 10oz self was born on October 4th, 1996. It was a pretty bad pregnancy and the summer was riddled with tragedies. Not only was I on bed rest for high blood pressure but I lost my 16 yr old cousin Lisa in a stupid car accident and my dear friend Bethany to lymphoma. I am lucky that Josh was not born with some hideous birthmark across his face from all the worrying and crying I did that summer. On the contrary, he was unbelievable cute and had personality and charisma from day one.

Big Brother Zach with Josh a few hours old. Don't tell Zach at one time he was happy about Josh breathing and alive. Those days are past, dear friends.

He still sleeps like that to this day.

So far, he has been my easiest kid..and yes, I know he is only 12. But he is cute and sensitive and smart. And damn, does he love his mom. He sneaks in a hug or a kiss or a cuddle whenever he can. He loves to sing songs with me in the car at the top of our lungs. He has an infectious giggle and a kind, sweet spirit. He is confident and yet humble. Not one day goes by where he does not just say he loves me right out of the blue. He has a weakness for video games and trading cards. He makes me happy. So much so that I almost forgive him for making me miss the actual grand opening. He does understand though, he loves the place almost as much as I do. In fact, it was the first place he visited after being released from the hospital. Yes, instead of taking him home immediately, we stopped at Target for a quick ( or not so much quick) look around. Hey, we needed baby supplies.

Happy birthday day to my love, Target and to my son, Josh. The first 12 years have been a treat, I can't wait for more. I love you, J. Bob. Oh, you know I do.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Dear blog, how long has it been?

Quite awhile. I know. The days seem to run into each other and even though I have a thousand things running around my head to type out, I just never seem to get here. And this post will be written in semi-distress. I am getting pretty sick and since I only get sick about twice a year, it really knocks me down when it finally hits. I have that aching hips and shoulders and a head that feels like it will roll off my neck any minute. Yet, can I sleep? No. So here I am, before I talk myself into swallowing NyQuil. That usually takes at least an hour.

Oh, and I have to work another night shift tomorrow. That is just the cherry on top of my week. The night shift thing is really beginning to takes its toll on my body. I have worked it on and off for the last 15 years now and the last few months have really been hard to take.

And then I have happened to have some really over-the-top patients of late. One man told me he didn't think he could bend his arms enough to blow his nose after he had a angiogram. Mister, they didn't do anything to your arms. Good God. Then his equally neurotic wife asked if it would be okay if he were to blow his nose. She would make sure he didn't if it was too much for him..and that was just the first 10 mins of the night. 13 hours of that business has this ICU nurse begging for two sedated and ventilated patients next shift.

And I wish I could come here and report that Sammy is so happy in school and taking to it so well. But that would be a lie. Every.Single.Day is a hassle to get him on the bus. About a half an hour before the bus comes, it starts. He seems totally taken by surprise that he has to go yet again. Monday he told me he had quit. He said "Ummm..I told you on the previous morning that I quit!"

good Lord!

Then Tuesday I was the "ugliest mom ever!" for making him get on the bus. After he got home I asked him if I was still ugly and he proclaimed "You are the prettiest woman I have ever seen! I just didn't want to go to school" Like calling me ugly is going to warm my heart and make me let him stay home? That kid has a lot to learn about finessing a woman.

I am going to start naming my gray hairs "school day #1"..."school day #2" Reminds me to call my hairdresser pronto in the morning.

I have already talked with the teacher about his behavior and adjusting ( or really lack thereof ) once so far. She seems great and willing to work us through this rough time with him. I am also going to work a few days a week in the classroom. I am not sure if that will help or not, but I can only imagine that a kindergarten teacher, with Sammy in her class, can use all the help she can get. His reading level is simply amazing. Every night she gives him a higher level book and the last selection was Volcanoes. Quite in depth stuff for kindergarten.

Zach and Josh seem to like their teachers and things for them at least, are going well. Last Thursday was a fun one for me. Not only did I attempt to sleep after the night shift. Oh I should not complain, I got like a whole 3 hours in that day. Anyway, I get little sleep and the moment the kids got off the bus I was running around town getting Zach's working papers, groceries and all assorted tasks. I got home and just wanted to die a little bit on the couch. Josh looks panicked and tells me that his open house is in about 30 mins. Christ in a cartoon! Up, dressed and out the door for that fun evening.

Then returning home I find out that my great aunt had passed away and that the wake and funeral would be over the next two days. At that point I joked, if one more thing happened to head would ASPOLD! (to quote my beloved Strongbad)

And now, I am getting sick, Ah that mind/body linkage. Fantastic that body human.

I think I just about talked myself into that NyQuil. So I should seize my brave moment and get my body to bed.

Ah, a better and more upbeat post next time. I will try. ;-) At least sickness free, I hope!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I am working on him

So while cruising the internet tonight, I stumbled on a site the had the song "Video Killed the Radio Star" playing. Sammy had just heard this song with me in the car as it was on a random playlist in my Zune.

Anyway, the song comes on and I hear Sammy say from behind me "Who killed the Radio Star??"

I say "Video killed the radio star"

"so the guy is named Video?"

"no, it is not about a real person, Sammy"

"So the fake person is named Video and he killed someone?"

"it is not about people at all, Sammy. It is hard to explain to you, but it means tv ruined music"

"well, I think it is about people and the one named Radio is dead. That is a sad song"

While I think the concrete thinking at the age of five is really hilarious, sometimes it can be frustrating. It does however, force me to keep up on the easy explanations of words. I am thinking of writing a thesaurus for 4-6 yr olds.

Personally, I am a fan of this version of the song.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Good Lord! I have to get my stupid ass in here more and write. At any one time I have 15 things I wanna say rolling around in my jumbled head. Wouldn't it be better to get them out there? I am just such a procrastinator, so when I get to writing finally and look the this big white box and think "what the hell can I possibly say that someone will wanna read?" What I have to get over is the fact that every entry doesn't need to be some work of art or profound. I just need to get here and start something and find my voice and thoughts. Oddly, I know that happens every time I actually start writing and yet, I hesitate the start of it. I am clearly insane. Have pity for my family and friends. thank you.

So this week was a hard one for me. My baby started school and I was left alone in the house for the first time...umm, ever. I took this week off from work, which was a good thing and a very bad thing. Work clears my mind. When I am there, taking care of my patients, I am outside of myself. I am part of a bigger picture and whatever is bothering me kinda fades away due to the fact that I am either saving a life, or more often cleaning shit. Yes, shit. It can be mind numbing. Try it for yourself. Get back to me after and let me know if you could think about ANYTHING else in the world other than how much you hate doing what you are doing that moment.

I also have some pretty totally amazing friends there. They understand me. They love me and they listen to me. Like I said before, Molly calls it "paid group therapy"

But this entry is not about them. It is about a friend of mine who was really a life-saver this week and it is not her profession in the career sense. But to me this week, she was just what I needed. My friend Mary put up with my crap all much so that I saw her 4 times this past week and that is not counting my stalker-like running into her in the grocery store tonight. She let me hang out with her so I would not be alone in the house this week, because this was really pretty traumatic for me. She listened to me. She laughed with me. She was just...well she has always been, an amazing friend. And I look at this "negative" of the kids going back to school as maybe being a positive, because I really got to spend some time with my friend. I think it did us both some good.

Mary and I often take the kids on day trips, like the infamous Griffs sculpture park debacle of '06. Our kids get along well and really, it is always fun. Even if you end up pushing a stroller with a toddler up a mountain in 87 degree heat. We can laugh about it now, because we lived to tell the tale.

The last few weeks found us at a few parks in the area that we normally don't travel to, to a theme park, to the Buffalo waterfront and a few places in between..just hanging out and having fun. Get ready for just a few of the hundred pictures I took of our kids. Are they not DAMN cute or what?!?! And please note: you will not see any pictures of Mary here. Or me. I am taking them and Mary threatened me with death if I took any of her. I love her, but I am also a little afraid of her.

Noah and Josh hanging by the creek at Glen Island Park
( does that water look disgusting or what??)

Noah, Eden, Sammy and Josh in a typical pose.

Miss Mercy in all her glory

The gang at Glen Falls

Eden and Sammy. I adore this picture

Eden on a windy hot afternoon on the lake

The gang at the Navel Museum.

Josh and Mercy on a sugar high after ice cream

Mercy and Eden by the lake

Mercy missed the group shot being a punk in the stroller.

Sammy loving the waterfront

Finally, all the brats together!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It has to start some time,right?

So today was the first day of my "new life". As of today I have all my children in school. This has never happened to me before. And for the record, I am not liking it. Not one bit. I know many moms out there are excited as hell today. Not me. I always hated the start of school. I love the easy days of summer. I love having my kids with me. They are so unique and so smart and they really are fabulous company. They make me laugh and smile and..they just make me happy. Letting them go out in the world for 8 hrs at a time is hard for me.

So today I got them up and ready for the new school year. This year I have a Junior in high school, a 6th grader and kindergatener. Oh Sammy. Sending him to school filled me with anxiety. He is a very odd and particular little man. He is not as adaptable as my other kids.

In the morning, Sammy started out cranky. He found it hard to fall asleep the night before. He was up until 11, eating crackers and taking about Monsters Inc. He has a unique speak pattern, that can drive you crazy after a few minutes. I say " Sammy, come on outside so we can wait for the bus"

"WHAT?? You want me to go outside this early in the morning!?!?"

and so it goes.
"WHAT??? You want me to carry my own lunch box?!?!?"

"WHAT??? You want me to stay in school the whole day?!?!?"

And then I did I silent prayer for the teacher. and him. and me.

So they get on the bus and off for the day.

Please ignore my front porch, which needs re-staining. I am getting to it.

So they did well. I think.

the mom was a different story.

However, everyone must know I am having a hard time this year. I ended up getting quite a few phone calls from my friends and family and before I knew it, it was time to get into the shower and meet Adam for lunch. That is something I have never had the chance to do and it was nice. Weird, but in a good way. I ran some errands and got home in time to see my high schooler off the bus.

I told him I missed him. He told me he was sorry but he was too busy "being punk and a Junior" nice. real nice.

Then the time came for Josh and Sammy to come home, so Zach and I headed out to meet the bus. And, did not go well. The report from one of Sammy's classmate is the Sammy cried all day because as he puts it "that bus to take me home was taking a LONG time to get there"

We snuggled and talked about his day. It was long for him. It will be an adjustment. He giggled in my bed, nuzzling me and said he loved how I smelled. Such a nutjob. Ah, but he is my nutjob. And I wouldn't have it any other way.


Is it summer vacation again yet??

Sunday, August 31, 2008

How the HELL can I send him to school?!?!

Honestly, Sammy makes me laugh about 20 times a day. He has unique terminology that he "can you turn up the car's weather?" if he requires more heat or a/c during a ride in the car. He is so very odd and so very funny. He has a vast and very scary knowledge of Star Wars. And I am pretty damn proud of that, thank you very much. He told me today that Darth Vader's wife was "pretty beautiful" for him, even though he was scary and that she was a good person. I swear ( and I MUST be wrong) he never even saw the newer Star Wars movies. But I do hafta agree, Natalie Portman is quite hot. He also asked me if Boba Fett and Gredo worked together, because they are both bounty hunters. I raised the kid right, what can I say.

So yesterday he was in one of those moods where he asks hundreds of questions. Everything from "how do they make Nutella?" (which is a complete, wonderful and individual food group here) to "What is your favorite Super Smash Brother's theme music" Random??...we got a whole mountain full of that here.

"Mommy, what does it feel like to be an angel?"

"Umm, Sammy how would I know, babe?"

"Well, you look like an angel. I thought you would know"

Please cue the tingly electricity from my toes to my scalp.


I am bet I would be an awesome home school teacher. hmmmmmmmm...

I know, I know...I am insane.

but heartbroken all the same. And pretty damn jealous that some kindergarten teacher will be getting that love and those hilarious questions from 8 am to 3 pm. I will not be enjoying this...not ONE BIT.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Two word: Kindergarten Orientation.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

blabbering, tweeting...whatever

So yes, I am some cruddy blogger,I know, I know. But I do hope to turn that around when the boys head back to school. This is a big life change for me as it marks the first time I have been home without a child to tend to and to daily. I would be kidding the world if I said I was happy about this. I am so very not. But, I have to look at it in a better way, I suppose. It will give me time do get some things done around here...writing, cleaning and working more hours at the hospital. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, life goes on, so the song goes.

I also added Twitter to my blog column on the side there on the right. Twitter is a type of "mirco" blogging, or really one long run-on sentence that I can update all the time. I can do from home or from my phone, ya know, when I am out living my ultra-exciting life...someday. Oh, how I count the days until then. sigh. I am ALMOST as bad a "Twitter-er" as I am a blogger. Some people "tweet", or Twitter entry, every couple of minutes and that is just abusing it, people. I mean who really wants to know when I am brushing my teeth and with what kinda toothpaste or that I am watching my 3rd straight hour of Degrassi on TV? Or that RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MINUTE, my foot itches. Or that I would prolly "go gay" for Katie Holmes. All that goodness I will save for my blog posts. You lucky readers!

So the upshot is you can follow me here, on the side of my blog, or you can sign up at Twitter here:
My user name is heidiwolff
I know I am soooo original.

There is a pretty big group of nurses on there, for those of you who travel here when I do my occasional medical entry. Plus there are just all kinds of goodies over there. Personally I am stalking Joss Whedon and his projects on Twitter. ( Joss is the writer/creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer..and uber-sexy with a big brain and oodles of geekiness! RAWR!) I do reply to fellow "Tweets" and put in entry in every few hours ( when I remember) so you will all know when I am not sleeping (always) and doing something exciting ( never)

Get with the decade and "Twitter".

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Everyone has Priorities.

So today, while Josh and Sammy are lounging on my bed, as they are apt to do most summer mornings, Zach jumps in with them and begins to "wrestle" Josh. Since he is about 3 times bigger than Josh, it can quickly escalate into a real fight with all the yelling, fake (and real) injuries and crying of Smackdown!

As Zach has Josh in a full-on head lock, bouncing up and down in the bed, Sammy begins to yell at the top of his lungs..."GUYS STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! THE REMOTE IS UNDER YOU!!!!"

Yes, the remote not your 70 lb brother's life, may hang in the balance.

I am going to show you a typical wrestling session, this one includes Josh, Zach and Zach's best friend Joe. Please note the position on Josh, who is 11. Yes, under two 16 year olds. I thank God for my patience and my medical skillz every day.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Warning: this might be long and contain cursing.

So I have been busy. When am I not? But last week it was one major thing that cause quite a lot of work and a bit of stress on the whole family.

A vacation camping. With pretty much all of Adam's family. 11 children in total. A week. Yup, a whole week.

Can I just say...what the hell is relaxing about camping? Good God. I have told my friends I don't know why it is not called "pack up your whole f-ing house and take it with you" I guess "camping" is shorter and sounds more alluring. I have yet to embrace the sexiness of camping. Maybe someday, like in 2025. And when I get my own personal slave to pack and un-pack for me. Maybe then.

And really, I got off pretty light. I went down to the cabins with Adam on Sunday, but came back home until Thursday morning. Not only did Zach have commitments here, but Sammy had an appointment to get his "real" cast. Being the Children's hospital here is VERY busy, they had only ONE appointment that week. So, I brought Zach and Sammy home for the beginning of the week and left Adam to enjoy a little peace with Josh in the Allegheny mountains. I am not sure he had much "peace" with my nephews and nieces around him, but he at least made the attempt.

And it happened to be a good thing that I was home. My sister-in-law called me on Wed. night to tell me the my 4 month-old niece had seen the cardiologist that morning and was admitted to the ICU at Children's and was going to have open heart surgery the next day. And all the rest of the family was camping almost 2 hours away. So, I gathered up her other daughter, my 6 yr old niece Emily, and took her with me to meet up with the family for the remainder of our vacation. I think it was great for Emily. She rode her bike with her cousins, went to the beach, ate all kinds of junk and enjoyed family time at the campfire. I am glad I was here and got to take her with us for the weekend.

Sleeping is always a problem for me, so I was quite nervous about being away from my bed and the comforts of home. And can I say, sleeping on an air mattress is horrible. I dreamed I was Huck Finn on the Mississippi all night long. I woke up and wanted to know where Injun Joe was taking me. Good God. It is a good thing I function on VERY little sleep.

Lack of running water was my biggest problem. I would have enjoyed it much for if that was not such an issue. I couldn't even get my mind around the difficulty of washing dishes in hot water...after boiling it on the stove. I left that crap to the men. Sammy refused to pee outside stating "Trees are not for peeing on and neither is grass" So when the bath-house closest to us was closed for a back-up (such a gross thought) it was quite the fun to haul my little red-casted baby along the road to the only other bathroom in our section of the mighty forest.

I really did have a nice time with the kids. The place is beautiful. But three days is fantastic, had I been asked to drag it out for a longer, I would have snapped. Enough smores and burgers. I want Thai food and running water.

I did get to take several ( over 400) pictures while I was there for my 3 day trip and I leave you with a montage of the best of them. I think the kids might still be blind from my flash around the fire. Oh well, it is the price for art.

And BTW, my baby niece did AWESOME with the surgery and was home in three days. Frickin' amazing!

I will be back with much more of my summer and craziness but I wanted to get a post out there, before y'all sent out a search party.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

It is gonna be painful...

FOR ME! This will be the longest 6-8 weeks of my life. Here is why:

Zach and I spent the afternoon in the ER with Sammy and his broken foot. We have been lucky so far. Sammy and I have the same "brittle bone" disease. I broke my leg at 9 months. My brother Rogie broke his at 11 months. We have had 5 broken bone free years so far. That record ended yesterday while Sammy was running at my parents house and slipped. Now, I am not sure of the real story as Sammy is into the VERY vague stage:

"Sam, what were you doing at grandma's house?"


Yes. That explains it. Anyway, he came home limping and I gave him the general assessment. Today he was no better and it was off to x-rays for us. We were so lucky, the ER was almost empty and we were in and out in about 2 hours. He gets a soft splint for 5 days, then sees the ortho doctor. And as usual we got the parade of doctors, med student and nurses to pop into our room and ask about our bone condition and to look at the blue "whites" of our eyes. I am really pretty used to that, it happened all my life whenever Rogie or I won a trip to the ER.

I told Sam I should leave him in the hospital until he was all healed. His eyes blinked away tears and he said, "but we are suppose to live our lives together, for all of your life" awww, yes, I assured him. Forever. Goodness, can't tease that kid I guess.

There are no crutches small enough for him, so it will be the lifting team of Mom, Dad, Zach and Josh INC. for the next few days. I suggested he crawl and he just about fainted. Honestly.

So he gets home and turns into the little Emperor. Okay, I know he is suppose to be bearing no weight, but really the screams of "mommy come here, I NEED YOU!!" are making my ears bleed. It was cute the first 50 times. As if the four of us did not already wait on him hand and foot. I do know he is really hurting because he actually drank pain medicine without two of us holding him down and ALL of us wearing sticky orange Motrin. Poor baby! :(

Crutch is a cool nickname for Zach, right??