Before the "joy" of the season

So, I figured before the joys of the holiday season pick me up and throttle me to within an inch of my life, I should write something here. I know that most of my occasion blog readers think I have abandoned this project altogether...but Au contraire, mon frère! I am here, just having a difficult time sitting still long enough to write, or let my adult onset ADD subside long enough to make a single, continuous thought possible. And I know that when I actually get myself into "holiday hustling" this will be impossible. I have already stopped and started writing this 3 times already...in about 15 mins . Oye! My world for a ritalin!

Sam and school...please allow room for an edit after parent-teacher conference tonight. School seems to really going well this year. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, I could not endure another year like last year. I don't think he could either. Writing is still an issue with him, but the mix of maturity and more attention in the classroom everything else seems to be going well. We still have to work on his "internal edit button", when he calls his substitute teacher incompetent and such, but we are getting there. :)

Adam and I have traveled to Colorado for my cousin's beautiful wedding in September. I will attempt to post some pictures soon. I had an epic computer crash last month and although I don't think I lost much in terms of data, it has been a long and slow process to get my machine and my pictures in order. Back up your photos and documents, people! PLEASE! I had just moved several things to an external hard drive, only days before. I actually am such a freak that I back things up TWICE and store the other hard drive to keep it from harm. And I have a firebox for it. Freak...yes. Lost pictures and Photoshop goodies...no!

Work has been a joy. Oh yes. Precautions for H1N1 patients ( we have had several) are a pain in my ass. I am on the verge of constant face break-out from wearing a mask every day I work. That is not to mention all the call-ins from co-workers who are sick or have loved ones that are sick, leaving us short staffed most days. This is just a horrible season for illness. The thought of those long 13hr days is just not so much appealing anymore. ( ok, it never was appealing, but still, now less so)

So I am pushing through the season, because it is what I do. I have not found my writing mojo yet. Still looking for it under my comfy sheets of my bed. Maybe I need a vacation? Like a REAL one. Alone.

Dream on, Heidi!!

when your kid is smarter than you...

Listen, I am not even gonna make excuses. I am a terrible blogger. I will just deal with that fact.
So...a funny Sammy story to pass along. ( actually I have MANY in the wings, they will make it here...someday)

The other night when I was at work, Adam made dinner and served it to the boys. Adam made the ultimate faux pas and served Sammy vegetables on his plate.

Sam yells out "Heeeeey!!!"

Adam says "Hey is for horses"

Sam looks at him and says "ummm...did you think I spelled it with an A??"

Really? How can you argue with a kid that is smarter than you?

Time flies...but it wasn't all fun.

I can't believe I remembered how to get to this blog or (God forbid!) log in! Damn. Has it really been since May that I posted? What the hell have I been doing!?!?

Ahh...too many things to find the time to blog apparently. Let's sum it up, shall we?


The school year just about did me in last year. I think much of my stress and anxiety about that overwhelmed me and made it hard for me to sit still and write or even justify the time to myself to write here.

Sammy was finally diagnosed with Asperger's this spring. Fighting our way through the school system was insane and we finally got a meeting with the board on June 5th. I wish I could type how I was feeling at that meeting in all CAPS for you...the director actually said to me "well, if this happened earlier in the school year, we would think about moving him. But since it is June will will leave him in his current class"

BREATH.

DUDE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?!?! I have had that kid into doctors and to see therapists since October 5th. WTF!?!

I was calm. I was rational even when I thought about reaching across the table to smack that man upside his head.

But...I digress.

We opted to place Sammy into a 12-1-4 classroom. 12 students. 1 teacher. 4 aides. All the children in that class are on the autism spectrum of some sort. Some are non-verbal. Some are like Sam. ( though I doubt ANYONE is quite like Sam). We are really hopeful that this situation will be less stressful for him...and us!

Here is Sam this year, on the first day of school. Not happy, but trying to look it for me anyway. :D


So many more pictures and summer fun to report on...and I am not promising anything! But I do have great intentions and I will try to get my butt back in here to write more. Adam and I are excited to head to my cousin's wedding in Colorado in a few weeks and the leaves are already changing there. Can't wait to work out the new camera and hopefully share! :D

Dear Elizabeth...nurse-to-be

So I get a very nice comment from a new nurse-to-be and she asked if I had any advice for her. Oh baby...do I ever.

I will not day something trite and stupid like so many others will tell you. Like "get out now" and "were you crazy for taking nursing" I hate it when people say that crap. If they hated it so much..they should leave. And what kinda way is the to welcome anyone into the field?? Personally, I wanna retire someday and I would like there to be bright, down-to-earth decent people taking care of me and mine when I do.

And that is not to say I love my job with some starry-eyed passion. Frig no. Not every day...not most days even. But I don't hate it. I am somewhere in the middle. You just have to see it for what it is. You have to know you are not going to change the world...but you might make one person's life or death a bit easier. You might smile at just the right time...You might catch a problem that everyone else over-looked...You might just have enough sleep, caffeine and neurons firing to keep someone alive...and you might let someone die when and how they need to.

Let me just say that some days will SUCK. I mean really, really suck. You will walk off the floor and cry all the way home. I hate to tell you that, but you will. Be happy about those days, they mean you are human. Far to many days will go by when you feel like you suck for being "heartless" and letting death and pain be a part of your normal day. You can't take on the day if you cry with every person. You will not get through it.

You will feel like you know nothing. I feel like that some days after 15 years of this career. Asking questions is your best bet. I still do...every day. It might take you about a year in the ICU to feel like you are not gonna faint when you get report and head into your patient's room for the first time. There will be days when you work all day to keep someone alive only for them to die 10 mins before your shift ends.

However, it gets better. So, so much better. You will feel (semi) competent soon enough. You will meet amazing people. My co-workers are some of the best people I ever met. You will develop a very strange sense of humor. And you will be the lifeline for many people.

All of it will work together to be a part of who you are...a nurse. God, I wanna shed that sometimes. So many times I don't want to think like a nurse. I want to NOT look at the guy in the grocery store and admire his veins for an IV. I want to not hear a cough and start diagnosing it in my mind. I don't want to have my kid complain of a headache and I am thinking CAT scans and ICP drains. But I never will stop. It is who I am. Who you will be.

It is a great adventure, my friend. The trip may be bumpy and filled with bodily fluids, but it is worth it. ( though maybe I am just saying that because I don't have to work tonight. hehehehehe) I hope you love it, Elizabeth.

Good luck!

Poor sad blog...

I figured I need to get in here and write SOMETHING...anything before I decide to never return. Which I am sure many of my "regular" readers have done...given up on me. But, No! I will be back and blogging pretty darn soon. Work has taken a much more "normal" schedule and school is almost out for the boys. THANK GOD!! I am so ready for them to be on summer vacation. I am one of those "weird" moms that loves them to be home with me. I am sick of permission slips, homework checks, notes from teachers, trips to school, and just about every damn thing that is related to school. Enough!

So I didn't go away and forget you, oh Blogsphere! I am planning my return. I swear. Really this time. No. I mean it. Really.

You are just gonna have to check back and see. ;-)

Quite a bit

Yup, quite a bit off my "game". My writing is not coming easily like it used to, my brain is all jumbled and I can't quite seem to sort it out into a cohesive paragraph.

It happens. Often. I think of all the things I wanna say and just can't get it out. Plus, I have so many things I wanna share about work, but I have to do it in a generic and safe way as to not be too specific with patients or situations. After I try to figure out what to say, how to say it, and all that crap...my brain hurts and it seems too difficult to even bother. Some medical bloggers do it with such ease, but try as I might I struggle with it. And God, are there some interesting things going on at work. Every day I am amazed or amused or shocked by the patients or their families. I need to work on my medical story telling. I just have to figure out how to protect myself and them. It will be a work in progress.

And we are in this limbo place with Sammy. We are towards the end in the process of diagnosing his issues and once that happens then the work of finding things that will work with him in school. At home, he is really fine and not a problem at all. At school, when his anxiety is at panic level, he just will not get any work done. Either he won't or can't calm his "school brain", as he puts it. It seems as though we are heading to a diagnosis of Asperger's, but at this point I don't care what we call it. I just want my child to not hate school every day. A small thing to ask, I think. He is an absolute joy in my life and I just want to do what is best for him. The task seems exhausting, but I know it is doable. We have some amazing people helping us, both at school and privately.

In other news, my cousin had her baby. For the record I was right..a boy. I have my flight booked for Colorado in April to fly out there and meet the little man and spend some MUCH needed quality cousin time. My best friend had her baby too. And I was right about that too..a girl. I have gotten to cuddle her a few times already.

Ack. so between the dentist ( for Josh), the doctors and school visits for Sam, work, life in general and all the other assorted crap I do, I guess I am tapped out. Not to mention with the change in season, which plunges me into melancholia. Recipe for non-writing. But I am working on it. I need to add some pictures and share all kinds of insanity with the blog-sphere. Today, I was so messed up schedule-wise that I showed up to work when I was not working until tomorrow. I swear it is impossible to keep my life straight these days. I have not done that in 15 years of working there. Pray for me. :D

excuses, excuses

Ohh, do I have piles of excuses. Tons. But you don't wanna hear that crap. You just want me to get on with it. I am sure many of you thought I fell off the face of the earth. Not true. I might have wanted to, but I am still here. Damn gravity.

So I thought I would jot down a funny little conversation from my favorite little funny man, Sam. That kid cracks me up like no other.

So we are waiting for an appointment and he asks me if I know the difference between fiction and non-fiction. He tells me he prefers non-fiction books and we talk about some of the interesting titles he as been bringing home from school. What kindergarten kid do you know that reads a book on the origins of the Pony Express? He LOVED that book.

Anyway, Sam says to me, "I know what fiction is. Fiction is that bears wear ties. That is all fiction"

and that made me laugh. Not only does he get it, he has an example. Too smart for his own damn good, that alien child of mine.

Cousin Lovin'

Obviously, when I sit to write this I have something on my mind. Since my mind flutters around with my adult onset ADD, it is often hard for me to find a starting point or to really narrow it down. Not this week though, someone has been on my mind quite a bit and I really think I need to write about her...my cousin Molly. She is closest to my age of all my cousins and closest to my heart in many ways too. I miss her every. single. day. Honestly, I do. I hear her voice and I am happy. I feel comfortable and safe. I feel like I can just tell her anything and everything and I know she understands. She even gets the things I don't say. I trust her like I would never trust anyone in my life. I have to, she can look at me and know me without me saying a word. Everyone needs that person. Everyone needs a "Molly"

I once took a good long time to figure out what I wanted to say about her. I was going through picture and got together a collection of them to share with her. And I tried to sum up my feelings about Molly. Really, nothing is going to sum it all up. Not ever. Here is the bit I wrote about us and the digital layout I made with some pictures of us over the years. As she waits to greet her new baby to the world, I thought this would be a great time to share it with the world...my "baby" so to speak. I am excited and so happy there will be more Molly in this world. That can only be a good thing. You are gonna have to trust me on that people.

So here it is...

Hey there cuz, for as long as I can remember we have been such an important part of each other life. We have shared a bedroom, many secrets, a quirky High School Drama club, a crazy extended family and our lives.

Our lives could not have been more different...I have not left Buffalo for more than a vacation, you have lived all over the world

I married my high school sweetheart and had 3 children, you are more the Bohemian, waiting to see where life will lead you.
We both admire the lives each other have chosen, while loving the life dealt us. I love that I can tell you anything.(remember when you were 20 and I was 18, you told me in secret you had a tattoo and I told you I was pregnant. hahah I WON!)

I know that I will always have you out there somewhere and that makes me feel good and makes me smile.You are always my biggest cheerleader and I am yours.

When that picture of us was taken my father laughed, he said that whenever
you and I are together we are little girls again. I love that we share all that history. I know you by heart and you know me by yours.
Love you, Molly!



I can't wait to see her again and welcome her baby into the world. ( for the record...I think it is a boy...but what do I know?) I hope she realizes I am coming out to see her at some point. She is only a plane ride away and I have some baby lovin' to get to.

I love you, Molly. You may never know how much.

The Return ( I hope)

So, here I am trying to wiggle my way back into the blogging world after some much needed downtime and some much unneeded stress. Who are we kidding? I love stress. I thrive on it. I picked to work on a very unpredictable and stressful floor at the hospital, for God's sake. If I didn't do well with stress, I would have flipped my nut long ago. Those external forces pushing on me hold me together to a degree. Sometime I wish they would not push so hard and so often, but I can't control much of anything right now.

Part of why I haven't written anything is because I was( am) in some sort of creative slump. Christmas tends to soak up so much of my time and talents that it leaves little for anything else. And once that hub-bub is over, I just want to let my brains cool down a bit before I start making demands on them again.

Another thing is that so much of what is happening, say with Sammy, is up in the air. That makes it hard to write about as well. What can I say when I am not sure what point we are in in the process?

And really, if I force myself to sit here and write, it will end up being horrible. I must say that NEVER in my life have I had a lack of material to write about, but my mind is easily diverted. I blame my job for this. I have to walk around for 13 hrs with hundreds of bits of info about two patients, much of which is critical for their well-being, and then I have to dump that info out and get a new batch the next shift for two other people. So my brain is in a constant turn-over.

Ah, enough with the excuses, right?

Let's see...Sammy is back in full day school. Seems he was actually worse on those half days. Refusing to do any work in school and acting out more than usual. Not sure what was going with that weirdness. We talked to the teacher and we decided to send him back full time after the Thanksgiving break. The first week went incredibly well and I thought maybe I over reacted with the whole anxiety about school thing. WRONG! it slowly slid downhill from there. He has decent and horrible days. I can NEVER predict them. He can leave the house miserable and have a fine day. He can skip out the door happily and he has a terrible day. Total crap shoot. He has more testing to go through and I am just riding it out. Nothing more I can do. One thing they want to do is to advance IQ test him. That should be interesting. He told me the other day it was too bright outside for him due to solar flares. I swear, he wears me out.

Work has been weird. I am flip-flopping from days to nights. I am getting too old for such things. Though, God forbid, I am forced to choose one shift. I love each of them for certain things and hate each of them for others. Day shift has a pretty big group of new nurses and though I TOTALLY do not mind helping any of them it can be stressful. I was new once too. ( a long,long time ago. sigh) But, it can be stressful. I swear the other day my name was said no less than 1000 times. By 7pm I was crazed. They are all excellent nurses, just very nervous. And they should be. One mistake can mean life or death. That is no exaggeration. Sometimes it is easier to slip into a night shift and just ride it out for 13 hours. Truth be told, I love that complete exhaustion feeling. Falling into bed and knowing I am going to get some incredible, deep sleep. Since sleep is such an issue for me I have to go with what works.

I have quite a few blog articles in my drafts. I suppose I really need to work on completing things. Hmmm...maybe my goal for 2009. Might help lift me from my winter crud.

Oh well. I will try to be better. I am a work in progress. Aren't we all.

What the Hell?

I had to get my butt in here and write something..anything, before y'all think I fell off the face of the earth! I looked back and I can't believe it has been so ling since I wrote anything. Christmas makes me insane and I am recovering still.
I wanted to post a video of my kids from Christmas. Sammy had just about had it when we got to my parents house for our 4th Christmas celebration. I can't blame the kid..I was spent too. I was attempting to get a picture of them in my mother's living room and was able to catch of bit of the REAL Sammy on film.