Almost like driving your car into the Niagara River...

Warning: this post is gonna have some ummmm....dirty words in it. Spoken by an 80 yr old Polish woman and ALSO my sweet, little MOM. You were warned.


My babcia ( grandma) is in the hospital. And really that is not very funny, but that woman cracked me up in so many ways today.




My babcia will be 80 in a few weeks, but she is an INCREDIBLE 80. She is not sickly, she takes VERY few medications and until last week she got around just fine. About five years ago she was diagnosed with arthritis and spinal stenosis in her back and the doctor told her some day it would effect her walking. Well, it has finally. She is unable to bear any weight and she needs the discs decompressed.

But she is NOT sick, as she has told me several times in the past few days. She is FINE, and HEIDI, STOP MESSING WITH MY PILLOWS and I CAN GET TO THE WHEELCHAIR BY MYSELF! She actually looks damn healthy in that bed, and may that be the way it continues after her surgery tomorrow. She told me sick people are puking and stuff like that, and I was grateful for the definition being an ICU nurse and all. ;-)

She told me on Monday: "Heidi, it took 3 M.I.Ts to get me out of the house"

"M.I.Ts, babcia? I think you mean EMTs"

"yup, whatever they are called"

She is too funny that chicky.

So as I find her in the ER on Monday night, she is sitting with her sister, my 85 year old great aunt, who acts maybe 60. There are some FANTASTIC genes in that family. So it is me, my mom, my grandma and my great aunt all passing the VERY boring wait in the ER. This is our regular casino group, the four of us. And I hate to admit to you just how frequently we all gather up and head north together to roll the dice and take our chances.

So my grandma and my aunt start to tell us stories, which I love. They tell me all kinds of interesting things about growing up poor, having fun together and giving me a glimpse into my family. I am always entertained.

They start to talk about going to school and their adventures there. Then IT happens.

I am scarred for life. My grandma freaks me out, like no one else can...except my mom. I can tell they are related.

My grandma tells this story, but it is really better if you hear it in a slightly polish, buffaloian accent, but here goes:

"and when I was in 5th grade we were in a classroom with 4 grades all in one room. Some of the 8th grade boys got in real trouble one year because they loved to whip their dicks out and wave them around at the girls"

OH. MY. GAWD.

my grandma said DICK. If I could plug my ears, I would. Frickin' hearing aids.

BUT! This is not as bad as the time I ALMOST killed the four of us driving back from the casino.

Same cast of characters: me, my mom, grandma and great Auntie Helen.
We are talking about current news stories and something about a rapist or molester or the like and my mom says:
"you know, they should just cut off his cock"

I swerve in the road a little. There is VERY little stopping us from carenning into the Niagara River to the right of me.
"MOM! OH MY GOD! PLEASE, STOP!"

"WHAT??"

"I am going to have a car accident and it will be very hard to tell the cops why, but they might understand when I say my mom said cock in the car and I blacked out"

My aunt and grandmother start with a chorus of "Heidi! We are old, not dead. We know what a cock is, my god. Heidi are you a prude or what??" The chided me on and on.

"that is is! NO ONE TALK again in the car. I mean it. At least until I get over the Grand Island bridge, or we are all going to die"

"what was I suppose to say, Heidi?? Dick? penis?"

"MOM!!!"

I am half laughing, half ready to puke. Part of me thought about driving into the river ON PURPOSE to stop the talking.

sigh

Those crazy gals. I love 'em.

I am off to the hospital with my Auntie Helen to wait during her surgery. I should maybe make up index cards for topics of conversation so no discussion turns to talk of male anatomy. I should get going on that...I am worried

;-)

What is the What?

So I have a bad blogger again. I am gonna play a little catch-up.

1. I registered Sammy for school. I handed in all the requisite paperwork, which let me tell you, is DUMB. There was a packet of info that need to be filled out, and while I acknowledge the need for physicals and such, some of the paperwork is redundant. They must have asked me on five forms what language we speak at home. Wouldn't one time be enough for me to tell them that we only grunt and point when needed? So anyway, I handed in my forms, my tax bill ( to prove I live in the district, even though my other child was on the wall as the current "Terrific Kid" of the month and my oldest has also been through the school), immunization forms, language assistance forms, school policy forms, a copy of our family tree, a tin can and a roll of pennies. Lord. Okay the last few were an exaggeration slightly. And then I walked quickly to my car and cried. Not a huge sobbing cry, but a "my heart is going to break a little" way. My baby.

I asked him if he was excited about school. Josh and Zach were so ready to go. Sammy said "so this school thing, ummm...I will have to be away from you ALL day. That doesn't sound like a good deal" I agree. That deal sounds like POOP!

*SOB*

2. Work has been a mixed bag of horrible and not bad enough to kill yourself. I did get an old man to say "hey there nursey...I like your touch" and that is just gross and kinda nice at the same time. I have picked up some of my "normal" day shifts and I am realizing I am old and my body craves a normal schedule. I think day shift might be where I end up for a while. My neck is still out of whack from some of our larger and not so cooperative patients. I maybe having an affair with my neck massage pillow. It might be a three way with me, the neck pillow and my heating pad. You balance that with taking just enough Motrin so you don't puke up blood and I can just about move my neck in every direction. That is all I ask. I am a girl with simple needs.

3. I got my birthday/mother's day gift and I LOVE IT! I got a necklace with my boys on it.


I got it here: www.lisaleonard.blogspot.com

4. I am attempting to finish up some new photo layouts for our living room. We are going to paint and we need some updating. Here are the fruits of my labor...well a few of them anyway.
The Adirondacks:



Monument Valley, Utah


Albuquerque:


Great Sand Dunes, Colorado


Ack, so many more layouts to finish up, but at the moment I am tired and I should get myself to bed.

smooches to all....

maybe more tomorrow!

Why I can never take a nap before work...

I tried to take a short nap before putting on my scrubs to do battle with the Angel of Death. It never works. There is always something more noisy or much more amusing to engage in. Even in my deafness I could hear Sammy's screams of joy while beating his brother in Super Mario Brothers Brawl. ahhh...it is the little things.

This video proves Zach is an excellent big brother, that Sammy NEVER wears pants in the house and the Wii has made all of our lives complete.

By request: For Robin!

So my online buddy Robin had asked for a picture of my birthday cake and I was wondering what I was going to do about that, as I had not actually had or eaten any birthday cake this year. *GASP*

I know, I know. When we ate out at the restaurant for our birthdays I didn't take any pictures, which for me is just plain INSANE. However: 1. I didn't wanna feel all queer taking pictures in a quiet little restaurant and 2. mary has a very strict "no pictures" policy. And as I have said before, I am a delicate peach. I just can't risk the bruising.

But, I did lay the ground work for a cake at work last week. One of our respiratory therapists, Frank just loves me to pieces. I mean, who can blame him. And last Wednesday at work I threw out that random "Oh, I will not be working this weekend, it is the celebration of my birth" thing in front of Frank. My friend and fellow nurse Becky elbowed me and batted her eyes saying "Oh Frank...I will be celebrating a special occasion this weekend. REAL smooth, Heidi!"

And you know what? it worked. So there. Frank came bearing cake. YAY! So sweet!



A thanks to Frank, for making a girl feel loved, even if she is an old hag.

To share the love of Ed.

So I have this friend. A very dear, close friend, named Jen. And she is all pouty because I have yet to write about her at length. Well buckle up, Jen. It is time for the Ed story.

Jen and I have been friends since high school. I was new to the school as a freshman, coming from a class size of 20 to the incoming freshman class of about 250. Really never in my life have I been called "shy". I do not suffer from "social anxiety disorder" by any means, but this situation was kinda messing up my world. Jen was kind to me right off the bat in Girls' Chorus. She laughed (still does ) at my stupid jokes. She makes me feel special to this very day and I really thank her for it, because at that time in my life, very few others were kind to me. We have been friends since then, which I can't say for more than a VERY few of my high school friends.

So needless to say, I was over at Jen's house a bit in the high school years. I really love her whole family...she has three sister and wonderful parents. I always had a joking, ridiculous flirting thing with her father, Mr. Evans. Disclaimer: TOTALLY in fun and joking, so that Adam or Mrs. Evan's don't want to beat me about the head and shoulders. I am a peach, I bruise. I could seriously injure myself getting out of my car or pouring a glass of milk.

One day my Mr. Evans happened to be wearing a belt buckle that had a big "E" on it and I jokingly asked him what that stood for, knowing full well it was for his last name. He said, exasperated "it is for ED, Heidi, sheesh!" Rolling his eyes at me, as his so often did.

That was it. He was and will always be...my Ed. It was our "thing". Jen still calls him Ed when talking to me..and it is 20 years ( GASP!) later.

Now, enter into the picture the HOMEWRECKER! Jen's sister Laura has a best friend that also "flirted" with MY ED. hmph! the nerve! And the Jen's sister HAD to get pregnant and have a baby shower. And the homewrecker, Sue jetted off to Virginia for the shower. And she got to see my ED. Here is a picture of her all over him. BLECH!


Look at her! She is SHAMELESS! The hussy.

So in the course of their visit, Jen finds out that Sue works at the same hospital I do...she is a nurse too. Hmmmmm....

So I finally tracked this chicky down at work last night and I told her that we really needed to met up and settle this, once and for all. It was so adorable that she thought she was my rival. Like she is any completion. PU-LEASE!

Things started out hostile:


But we talked it out and decided there is enough of Ed to share. And we send him our love. Blowing him kisses from way up north.

And for the record: Sue is awesome. She is hilarious. And she has EXCELLENT choice in men! ;-)

And! God bless Mrs. Evans for putting up with Ed and our shenanigans! She rocks!

Happy Birthday to us!

So, today is my birthday. Yup. Big wow.

I am lucky enough to share my birthday with one of my best friends, Mary. I also share it with the family hippie, Howard...but that will not be germane to my post today. Though that is nice and easy for my entire extended family to remember the occasion. (this year however, pretty much all of my extended family is in Florida for my cousin's wedding on Saturday...which, let's face it is a MUCH bigger deal that some old hag's birthday)

But anyway, back to Mary. And let's just get it out now, she is older. Yes. She was born in the middle of the night, and me..4:30pm. So there, Mary. Take that!

Mary and I have been friends since high school. We spent our 18th birthday together, skipping school, eating our free breakfast at Denny's and getting our ears double pierced. Man, we were totally lame.

Over the years, we have become much better friends. She is a person I really trust. I feel like I can tell her anything and talk to her about how I feel and she will listen and even if she doesn't agree, she will respect me. And man, we can disagree. Mary, I am keeping my Thruway fast pass and I am using the self-checkout. It is called progress, not job stealing. UGH!

However, I can honestly say I have never been upset or mad at Mary. Not once. Our friendship is easy-going and natural. She and her husband JR are our first choice to go out with. We always have a great time together. No matter what we chose to do.

A few summers ago we decided to take the kids on weekly outings to keep them busy. That was an interesting mix of fun and painful. One outing was to Griffs Sculpture Park. That one was painful. Two strollers and mini mountain climbing were enough to kill me and Mary. We are no ummm...the outdoorsy types and the terrain was well....damn it we were climbing a frickin' mountain to see some damn metal sculptures. As my son and Mary's raced to the top of the "hill" they call down for us to HURRY UP. Mary yells "Noah, the fat people can't BREATH, so shut it!" If I was not out of breath before I was then, because I never laughed so hard in my life. Mary, there is no one else on this earth that I would rather have a heart attack and die on the side of a mountain with more than you, chica.

Mary is smart, beautiful, funny as hell and interesting and I wish she knew it. She drives me nuts with her lack of self-esteem, because I see her and I KNOW she rocks. Someday, maybe, I will say it to her enough so she realizes it and she can get me to shut up. I am proud and very happy to share my birthday with such a fabulous friend. It just gives us in excuse to go out together another night ( or two!)

Tonight we are headed out on the town with our men, last year we did a girl's only dinner. I know we will all have a good time. I know we will laugh until our faces hurt. And I know we are not climbing anything more than the two steps into the restaurant.

Mary, I love ya and I am grateful for you as my friend. But unlike our husbands wish..I am so not kissing you.

Happy Birthday, gorgeous! Oh, and to me too! ;-)

Once more, with feeling

So our family has a flair for the dramatic, it is true. There is lots of singing made up songs, there is the occasional mock-beating of a child with the chanting "push your head into the couch, push your head into the couch", there is me acting all calm and then suddenly yelling to scare the crap out of a child and there is the big dramatic death scene too.

Often I splay out on the couch and when I am found by a child, I am laying there, my mouth open, eyes closed...raspy breaths. Of course I need dramatic saving...kisses, begging, shaking, "i love yous" over and over. Miraculously I am back to life, saved like Sleeping Beauty. Yup. Just like.

So we as I said, we play this game a lot. Or I do. But whatever.

Today I was in my bedroom, sitting in my computer chair and I heard Sammy coming around the corner. It was my chance. I close my eyes, let my head flop back and played dead.

Sammy looks at me calmly and says " I thought you only died on the couch" AND THEN HE WALKED AWAY!!!!!

Damn kids! You can't improvise with them for anything.

Love letter to a Dirtbag.

In the midst of writing and venting, last count 18 in my "drafts", things happen that cause me to put those down and make me wanna write something that I am right in the middle of feeling, at that moment.

Today, it is a "love letter", if you will, to my kid. My oldest, Zach.

Of all of my kids, he is the most like me. I am sure that is why no one in THE ENTIRE WORLD can make me as mad as he can and no one can make me laugh harder than he can. All in the same day. Sometimes in the same hour.

Last night as I was leaving for the grocery store, he ran out to the car and asked if he could go too. Now, this is not some cosmic, rare event. It happens a lot. And although he won't every say it, he likes that alone time with me. That is not to say it is all mushy and sweet. He mocks me the whole time, he slaps me (mockingly of course),he puts me in a headlock and he is just a general,average, 16 year old ass. But I love it. It is us.

When I took him to New York city alone last May, he excitedly planned our road trip music, saying he was looking forward to the car trip there, more than anything. It was the first trip there for both of us. We got lost in Central Park together, we walked for miles, we ate funky Mediterranean food in the basement of restaurant, he endured seeing the play I had worked on (which was long and strange) but he smiled and elbowed me whenever my work appeared on the screen,in between the looks of "what it hell is going on NOW in this insane piece of theater??" We was mistaken for my brother....GO ME!!! WAAHOOO!

He is a kid that gets hurt so easily and tries to hide it. He is a kid that sees things that suck in this world and gets angry because things probably will never change. He hears a song, reads a poems, sees a movie and it moves him. He is lazy, he hates homework, he eats junk (OH. MY. GOD. He is JUST like me. my genetic material is polluting our earth) He has a great sense of humor ( okay, he has MY sense of humor, for the most part..so of course, I think it is great) He has a very quick wit...dare I say almost quicker than my own. He is one of the only people that can go toe to toe with me in reciting movie lines...much to the dismay of his father. He writes cathartic poems when he is stressed, just as I do. He is just, well, a good person. And he is just getting started.

And ya know, I didn't know how it was going to be for us. When I had him, I was in college and 18. Adam had gone back to college when Zach was 3 weeks old and was home only on most week-ends and holidays with us. I would be lying if I said it didn't suck. But I lucked out, of all of my kids, he was the best baby. Sleeping though the night early, never crying, and just in general...easy. Which I am forever grateful for, as I was a full time in Nursing school and coming home to be his mom. And I had my parents and my brothers to help me, and Adam all week-end, but really often, it was me and him. And as bad as it could be, in general, it was pretty frickin' cool. I spent so much time with just him, reading to him, talking with him, knowing him. I wouldn't change a day of it for the world.

And often, we struggle with that relationship dynamic. We did grow up together and we parent him in our own way. We were so young and had so much to learn. And he is brilliant and deep thinking and some of his ideas and opinions need to be considered and heard. So giving him that amount of credit and still kick his ass when he needs it is a fine balance. And oh, does he need the ass kicking, baby!

He is so many things I am, and just as many things that I am not.
In general, he is pretty downright phenomenal. (watch that go to his head and try to get out of doing the dishes. the dirtbag)