In the midst of writing and venting, last count 18 in my "drafts", things happen that cause me to put those down and make me wanna write something that I am right in the middle of feeling, at that moment.
Today, it is a "love letter", if you will, to my kid. My oldest, Zach.
Of all of my kids, he is the most like me. I am sure that is why no one in THE ENTIRE WORLD can make me as mad as he can and no one can make me laugh harder than he can. All in the same day. Sometimes in the same hour.
Last night as I was leaving for the grocery store, he ran out to the car and asked if he could go too. Now, this is not some cosmic, rare event. It happens a lot. And although he won't every say it, he likes that alone time with me. That is not to say it is all mushy and sweet. He mocks me the whole time, he slaps me (mockingly of course),he puts me in a headlock and he is just a general,average, 16 year old ass. But I love it. It is us.
When I took him to New York city alone last May, he excitedly planned our road trip music, saying he was looking forward to the car trip there, more than anything. It was the first trip there for both of us. We got lost in Central Park together, we walked for miles, we ate funky Mediterranean food in the basement of restaurant, he endured seeing the play I had worked on (which was long and strange) but he smiled and elbowed me whenever my work appeared on the screen,in between the looks of "what it hell is going on NOW in this insane piece of theater??" We was mistaken for my brother....GO ME!!! WAAHOOO!
He is a kid that gets hurt so easily and tries to hide it. He is a kid that sees things that suck in this world and gets angry because things probably will never change. He hears a song, reads a poems, sees a movie and it moves him. He is lazy, he hates homework, he eats junk (OH. MY. GOD. He is JUST like me. my genetic material is polluting our earth) He has a great sense of humor ( okay, he has MY sense of humor, for the most part..so of course, I think it is great) He has a very quick wit...dare I say almost quicker than my own. He is one of the only people that can go toe to toe with me in reciting movie lines...much to the dismay of his father. He writes cathartic poems when he is stressed, just as I do. He is just, well, a good person. And he is just getting started.
And ya know, I didn't know how it was going to be for us. When I had him, I was in college and 18. Adam had gone back to college when Zach was 3 weeks old and was home only on most week-ends and holidays with us. I would be lying if I said it didn't suck. But I lucked out, of all of my kids, he was the best baby. Sleeping though the night early, never crying, and just in general...easy. Which I am forever grateful for, as I was a full time in Nursing school and coming home to be his mom. And I had my parents and my brothers to help me, and Adam all week-end, but really often, it was me and him. And as bad as it could be, in general, it was pretty frickin' cool. I spent so much time with just him, reading to him, talking with him, knowing him. I wouldn't change a day of it for the world.
And often, we struggle with that relationship dynamic. We did grow up together and we parent him in our own way. We were so young and had so much to learn. And he is brilliant and deep thinking and some of his ideas and opinions need to be considered and heard. So giving him that amount of credit and still kick his ass when he needs it is a fine balance. And oh, does he need the ass kicking, baby!
He is so many things I am, and just as many things that I am not.
In general, he is pretty downright phenomenal. (watch that go to his head and try to get out of doing the dishes. the dirtbag)