Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Almost like driving your car into the Niagara River...

Warning: this post is gonna have some ummmm....dirty words in it. Spoken by an 80 yr old Polish woman and ALSO my sweet, little MOM. You were warned.

My babcia ( grandma) is in the hospital. And really that is not very funny, but that woman cracked me up in so many ways today.

My babcia will be 80 in a few weeks, but she is an INCREDIBLE 80. She is not sickly, she takes VERY few medications and until last week she got around just fine. About five years ago she was diagnosed with arthritis and spinal stenosis in her back and the doctor told her some day it would effect her walking. Well, it has finally. She is unable to bear any weight and she needs the discs decompressed.

But she is NOT sick, as she has told me several times in the past few days. She is FINE, and HEIDI, STOP MESSING WITH MY PILLOWS and I CAN GET TO THE WHEELCHAIR BY MYSELF! She actually looks damn healthy in that bed, and may that be the way it continues after her surgery tomorrow. She told me sick people are puking and stuff like that, and I was grateful for the definition being an ICU nurse and all. ;-)

She told me on Monday: "Heidi, it took 3 M.I.Ts to get me out of the house"

"M.I.Ts, babcia? I think you mean EMTs"

"yup, whatever they are called"

She is too funny that chicky.

So as I find her in the ER on Monday night, she is sitting with her sister, my 85 year old great aunt, who acts maybe 60. There are some FANTASTIC genes in that family. So it is me, my mom, my grandma and my great aunt all passing the VERY boring wait in the ER. This is our regular casino group, the four of us. And I hate to admit to you just how frequently we all gather up and head north together to roll the dice and take our chances.

So my grandma and my aunt start to tell us stories, which I love. They tell me all kinds of interesting things about growing up poor, having fun together and giving me a glimpse into my family. I am always entertained.

They start to talk about going to school and their adventures there. Then IT happens.

I am scarred for life. My grandma freaks me out, like no one else can...except my mom. I can tell they are related.

My grandma tells this story, but it is really better if you hear it in a slightly polish, buffaloian accent, but here goes:

"and when I was in 5th grade we were in a classroom with 4 grades all in one room. Some of the 8th grade boys got in real trouble one year because they loved to whip their dicks out and wave them around at the girls"


my grandma said DICK. If I could plug my ears, I would. Frickin' hearing aids.

BUT! This is not as bad as the time I ALMOST killed the four of us driving back from the casino.

Same cast of characters: me, my mom, grandma and great Auntie Helen.
We are talking about current news stories and something about a rapist or molester or the like and my mom says:
"you know, they should just cut off his cock"

I swerve in the road a little. There is VERY little stopping us from carenning into the Niagara River to the right of me.


"I am going to have a car accident and it will be very hard to tell the cops why, but they might understand when I say my mom said cock in the car and I blacked out"

My aunt and grandmother start with a chorus of "Heidi! We are old, not dead. We know what a cock is, my god. Heidi are you a prude or what??" The chided me on and on.

"that is is! NO ONE TALK again in the car. I mean it. At least until I get over the Grand Island bridge, or we are all going to die"

"what was I suppose to say, Heidi?? Dick? penis?"


I am half laughing, half ready to puke. Part of me thought about driving into the river ON PURPOSE to stop the talking.


Those crazy gals. I love 'em.

I am off to the hospital with my Auntie Helen to wait during her surgery. I should maybe make up index cards for topics of conversation so no discussion turns to talk of male anatomy. I should get going on that...I am worried



Robin L said...

Oh my Heidi! I would of died right there! Thats toooo funny! Thank God my Grandparents NEVER talked like that or I wouldnt be here. My dad swears like a sailor but the rest are "non-swearers" lol Another word for my polish dictionary hehe

Im so glad to hear she is in good health, my thoughts and prayers are with her until she makes it home.

robin bird said...

you are simply the best teller of cursing grandmother stories. well actually you are a good story teller no matter what the topic. but especially ones where you are able to star as the drama queen. i mean that in a good way:) you have that sarcastic with that is all about outrage and reaction. i do so hope you r grandma can stay well for a long time to come. i haven't read the next post so i don't know how the surgery went... i better go and look.